


Why Can't I Be Her?

by thylacinus



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Boys Kissing, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentioned Konoha Akinori, Mentioned Terushima Yuuji, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:02:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25085851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thylacinus/pseuds/thylacinus
Summary: based off of the song "Heather" by Conan Gray. i recommend listening to the song if you want a deeper understanding of my inspiration to write this.more chapters are to come ! i just dont know how many, yet----Akaashi is in love with Bokuto, but a girl by the name of Heather has caught his eye.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 16
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading this !! i went thru the pain of listening to Heather for hours as i wrote this, so i do hope you enjoy it

Akaashi sighed as he looked out the classroom window. It was a cold day in Tokyo, and Akaashi could see his own breath as the academy’s heater had yet to kick in. The teacher kept droning on with the lesson, but Akaashi’s mind was elsewhere. He was thinking about a certain childish, golden-eyed spiker with salt-and-pepper hair. He just couldn’t get him out of his head. The image of his giddy, smiling face was a permanent scene in Akaashi’s mind. It didn’t help that the sweater he was wearing belonged to the owl-haired boy.

Soon enough, the bell rang for the lunch period, but Akaashi was still stuck in his head till a loud voice bursted through the quiet classroom. 

“AKAASH’!” Bokuto basically shoved himself into the second year classroom, grinning per usual, and it was enough to catch the attention of some of the other students for a brief second.

_Speak of the devil._ The voice was enough to snap Akaashi out of his thoughts and he turned his head to his loud friend. “Bokuto-san.” His voice came out calm and composed, just as he wanted it to be. 

“Akaashi, hurry or else we’re going to miss lunch!” Bokuto was practically jumping on his heels. Akaashi nodded and was quick to pack up, and he made sure everything in his bag was in order before walking over to the loud owl. 

Bokuto grabbed Akaashi’s wrist and began to speed walk down the hallway to the cafeteria. Akaashi could hear his heartbeat in his ears as he stared down at Bokuto’s hand. It was so close to his own. Bokuto was humming a happy tune as they neared their desired place. 

All of Akaashi’s attention was focused on Bokuto. He was the star in his night sky, the light to his darkness. Akaashi admired the way Bokuto could light up any room and wash all the tension away. Despite him being a simple-minded volleyball freak, Akaashi loved all of it. Akaashi loved Bokuto. Everything and anything, including his mood swings. 

But Bokuto’s eyes were on someone else. 

Bokuto had his eyes locked on the pretty transfer student named Heather. She came from America but one of her parents was Japanese. Her hair was a gorgeous light brown and her eyes a beautiful shade of jade that sparkled in the light. It was no wonder why she caught Bokuto’s attention either. She was just as bright as he was. Another star in the dark sky. But Akaashi could only see his world growing dimmer as the two grew brighter together. 

“Akaashi! Do you see her?” Bokuto’s voice was soft, and unlike normal, quiet. “She’s so- Oh! She’s looking over here!!” Bokuto jumped in excitement and waved to the female student, and she waved back. 

Bokuto had long let go of Akaashi’s arm, and now he was on his way to her. To Heather, leaving Akaashi alone. 

Akaashi stared at his friend’s back and the smiling face of the girl. Before any emotion of displeasure could show, Akaashi turned and walked away. He walked his way to the familiar stairs to the roof. Once there, he sat down and stared through the bars of the fence as he began to eat his lunch, deep in thought.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 

Akaashi remembers perfectly the day when Bokuto kissed him. It was a hot day during summer at the practice camp. It was at the end of individual practice and him and Bokuto decided to be the ones to put all the equipment up.

Akaashi could feel Bokuto’s stare as he was cleaning up the stray volleyballs. It made his skin crawl and tingle. He felt as if he was burning up even after he cooled down from the three on three match.

Bokuto had put up the net and once he was done, he walked over to Akaashi. 

“Yes Bokuto-sa-” He was cut off by Bokuto placing his lips on Akaashi’s. Contrary to Bokuto’s personality, the kiss was timid, slow, and soft. Akaashi was taken aback and had little time to react before Bokuto pulled away and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Sorry, Akaashi. I lost myself for a second.” The ace was quick to apologize and turn away.

Akaashi felt as if his feet were glued to the floor. His usual emotionless expression had melted away into one of shock. It took him a few seconds to regain a single thought, but by then Bokuto was long gone from the gym, leaving Akaashi alone. 

Akaashi felt himself collapse onto the ground. His knees hit the floor and he slumped down, hands in his hair. He stared at the gym floor attempting to catch his breath and retrieve his thoughts. But his head remained empty and his breaths stayed heavy. Bokuto had just _kissed_ him. KISSED! That had to have been his own first kiss. Akaashi didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t think at all. 

_Breathe, Keiji. Think._ Akaashi finally got a thought through. He breathed in shakily, slowly sitting up. The lights of the gym blinded him for a moment as he wearily stood up. With shaky hands, he continued to pick up the balls around the gym, thinking over what happened. 

_Bokuto-san kissed me, but then he apologized. He said he lost himself.. What did he mean by that? Did he not mean to kiss me? Was it a mistake on his part?_ Akaashi could feel a headache coming on and he sighed, deciding to try and ignore his pressing thoughts for now. 

Once he finished up, Akaashi made his way to the communal bath to clean off the sweat of the day. He caught himself nervously looking around for his owl obsessed friend. He found his way to the bath without seeing anyone, and internally he felt relieved as it was strange to see Akaashi without Bokuto and Bokuto without Akaashi. 

Akaashi had finished up cleaning himself off without any trouble. But now came the time to go to the shared room everyone in his team slept in. He had a nagging in the back of his head to not go and find a different place to sleep. Before he could change his mind, he had already made his way to the door of the Fukurōdani room. He opened the door and stepped in quietly. Little glances were thrown his way, but that was about it, which he was grateful for. Akaashi couldn’t handle a lot of attention right now.

The next morning Bokuto had gone back to normal as if nothing ever happened.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 

Akaashi was pulled from his thoughts as the bell signaling the end of lunch sounded across the campus. With a sigh, he got up and cleaned his trash before heading to his classroom. He had decided to never talk to Bokuto about this kiss, concluding it as him being swayed by the heat of summer. It had hurt him to continue acting as if Bokuto hadn’t just taken his first kiss, but life goes on. He had to move on or else it was going to affect their volleyball.

The rest of the day was a blur to Akaashi. All he was looking forward to was volleyball practice and going home. Once he entered the locker room, Akaashi was met with the normal greetings from his teammates, but none from Bokuto. That made him look around confused, only to find that Bokuto wasn’t even in the locker room.

“He was pulled away by some girl.” Konoha answered Akaashi’s unspoken question.

“Oh, I see. Thank you, Konoha.” Akaashi replied, looking down at his shoes as he tied them. It wasn’t a total shock to find someone confessing to Bokuto, but everytime it happened Akaashi could feel bits of his heart being picked away. He never knew if Bokuto was going to accept the confession or apologize to the girl or guy. Akaashi bit his lip as his face was hidden from his teammates, feeling the familiar tears begin to form. He had rarely cried, but then Bokuto had kissed him. He brushed his under eye for a moment before standing up. “I’ll go get him.” Akaashi said shortly before exiting the locker room to find the infamous confession spot.

Akaashi paused upon arriving, seeing _her_ speaking to Bokuto. He gripped the side of the wall harshly, his knuckles beginning to turn white. Of course this was the girl that pulled him away, but it was a surprise that she was able to hold him from going to practice. Bokuto breathed and lived in volleyball. Akaashi could barely get Bokuto to stop asking for tosses. 

It made his blood boil. Akaashi wanted to yell and scream at the girl. But he couldn’t. She was so nice to everybody, even Akaashi, but he wanted her gone. Obviously Akaashi wouldn’t become all yandere, it wouldn’t be logical. Instead, he gingerly called out to his spiker.

“Bokuto-san. You’re going to miss practice.” He kept his eyes trained hard just past Bokuto’s hair. He couldn’t look him in the eye right now, not after what he just thought about. 

“One moment, ‘Kaashi!” Ouch. That stung like Neosporin in an open wound. Akaashi bit his lip, feeling the tears begin to form again. _Dammit._ He couldn’t cry. Not right here, not now. He inhaled, trying to calm his voice. “I’ll go on ahead then. Take your time.” He didn’t mean to sound bitter, but his tone morphed into it as he spoke.

Bokuto hadn’t even heard him. All of his attention was placed onto Heather. Akaashi stared for a moment longer before turning and heading back to the gym with his head down.

Bokuto hadn't even show up to practice that day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bokuto drags akaashi along to a party, but the events take a turn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello ! i apologize for taking so long to come back with a second chapter. once again, i hope yall appreciate and enjoy this

A house party was being thrown by one of the rich kids in the school. Everyone was invited, including the geeks and freaks. Bokuto was a fan of parties as he could easily grasp anybody’s attention. And as Bokuto does, he drags Akaashi everywhere he can with him. Akaashi, on the other hand, wasn’t much of a fan of parties. They were loud and full of drunk teenagers, and he would rather be studying in his quiet room listening to music.

Akaashi had decided to dress casually, there was no need to go all out if he was going to be away from everyone the whole time. He wore an unbuttoned, light grey polo with a thin white tee underneath. The jeans he was wearing were cuffed, letting his boney ankles show, and his shoes were a simple light grey to match with the polo. Bokuto didn’t really care to dress up either. He wore a black, sleeveless shirt which showed off his beefy arms. Though, he had a thin, black jacket covering those biceps everyone seemed to love. He wore baggy pants that were a pale grey, and he wore black tennis shoes. His outfit was simpler than Akaashi’s in many ways, but it attracted eyes.

Once they arrived at the party, Bokuto’s energy went through the roof. Bokuto was quick to be greeted by many of the students by the front door, while Akaashi was just glanced over. Akaashi, though, had no reason to complain. He would rather be invisible as Bokuto deserved all of the spotlight.

Akaashi quietly followed Bokuto throughout the house till they found the kitchen. Bokuto poured himself a drink, and gave Akaashi a bottle of water, knowing the latter never liked to drink.

Once Bokuto handed Akaashi his drink, Bokuto was off. “I’m going to see where everyone is!” Was all he said. 

Akaashi inhaled and looked around. So many unfamiliar faces, he ought to pay attention to the people around him more often. He only, really, considered the volleyball team to be his friends. Everyone else was just someone he’d talk to once or twice in passing. He subconsciously placed the water bottle underneath his arm and then began to fiddle with his fingers.

He had been standing in the kitchen for about 5 minutes, clueless, till someone he didn’t expect to be there tapped his shoulder. Once he turned his head, his brows slightly rose in surprise. 

“Terushima Yuuji.” Akaashi said calmly, as if he wasn’t on the verge of being overwhelmed. _Terushima Yuuji, captain of the Johzenji Volleyball team, an avid party animal and flirt._

“Akaashi, right?” The bottle blond smirked at the noiret. The question warranted a nod from the latter. “What’re you doing all on your lonesome?” Terushima had always been interested in the quiet setter. He was beyond pretty.

“I am not alone.” He averted his gaze from the blond. What Akaashi said, though, did not seem up to par as there was nobody around him. 

“Are you sure you aren’t seeing things?” Terushima chuckled, putting an arm around Akaashi’s shoulders.

Akaashi felt himself feel smaller at the action despite being taller than Terushima. “Bokuto-san is off socializing.” He took a swift glance Terushima’s way before looking down at his shoes.

“Awh! That’s no fun! How about you chill with me, instead? Since ‘Bokuto-san’ left you here?” Terushima leaned closer to Akaashi’s face, that shit-eating smirk still present.

“Bokuto-san did not leave me alone. He just knows I dislike large crowds.” He attempted to fend for his spiker, but Terushima was taking none of it.

“Yet he still brought you? C’mon, now, we can sit on the couch.” Terushima continued to press Akaashi. The male paused once he saw the water bottle Akaashi had at his side. “No no no! You can’t have _water_ at a party! Here let me get you some of the good stuff.” Terushima grabbed the bottle of water and placed it on the counter before Akaashi could complain.  
“Terushima-san, I don’t drink-” Akaashi was cut off.

“Nonsense! Now, here.” Terushima placed a cup of God knows what in his hands before dragging him off deeper into the house by the wrist. 

Akaashi felt sick at the feeling of Terushima’s hand around his wrist. It felt suffocating, like it was a weight pulling him down deeper and deeper into the dark pits of the ocean. Terushima sat down on one of the many couches and pulled Akaashi down to sit next to him, uncomfortably close to his lap. He kept his arm around Akaashi’s shoulders with a proud smirk, like the setter was some kind of trophy.

“Go on, take a sip.” Terushima turned his head and motioned with his eyes to the cup trembling in Akaashi’s hands. The blond had an excited expression.

“Uhm..” Akaashi looked down at the light amber liquid, he could feel his palms become clammy. “Why don’t you drink it instead?” He kept his vision down.

“I couldn’t possibly! Isn’t this, like, your first sip of alcohol! I need to see it.” Terushima egged Akaashi on. He pushed the cup closer to Akaashi’s lips. 

Akaashi soon realized he couldn’t escape this situation. With a shaky inhale, he began to take a small sip. With a grin, Terushima continued to hold the cup to the noiret’s lips, forcing him to chug the drink.

He could feel himself begin to choke, and he forced the cup away from his face once nearly all of it was gone. Akaashi began to cough, covering his mouth and trying to prevent himself from hurling. 

“Oops. Sorry, Akaashi! I got a bit too excited there.” Terushima sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck, worriedly looking at Akaashi. 

“It’s… It’s fine.” After a few moments of deep breaths, Akaashi was… almost… back to normal. He felt way too woozy to even stand. 

Terushima looked around the room for a moment before a grin appeared on his face. “Akaashi, how about we dance?” The question was more of a statement coming out of Terushima’s mouth. 

When he didn’t get a reply, he decided to just pull Akaashi off the couch and drag him to where the music was louder, and where there were more people. 

Terushima guided Akaashi in a haphazard way, he was busy laughing until he looked back at Akaashi, a wide grin on his face. “Isn’t this fun?”

Akaashi had no words. He could feel his breath quicken and his vision began to get spotty, he didn’t like it. 

“So fun that you can’t talk?” The blond spun Akaashi around, and that's when he saw Bokuto.

Akaashi felt as if time stopped. His vision seemed to clear as he saw the one person he needed. Except… Bokuto was having a blast talking to _her._ Heather was around his arm with a smile on her face. 

The worst part was Heather had Bokuto’s jacket on.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 

Akaashi was currently on his way to meet up with Bokuto at the park. It was one of the many freezing days in Tokyo, and of course Akaashi had forgotten to bring a thicker jacket.

Upon arriving, Bokuto immediately noticed the shaking Akaashi. Without a word, he placed his own jacket around the slim setter. 

Akaashi shot Bokuto a confused look. 

“You looked cold, and… and it looks better on you anyway.” A light blush dusted his cheeks as he spoke.

“Oh.” Akaashi’s face reddened at the compliment, but he blamed it on the cold weather. “Thank you, Bokuto-san.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 

Akaashi felt himself deflate.

“Oh, looks like your Bokuto-san already has someone wrapped around his arm. More fun for us, I guess~” Terushima didn’t realize the weight of his words as Akaashi faced him again.

“Umm… Is it possible for me to have more alcohol?” Akaashi asked. If anything, he wanted to forget ever seeing them like that. Heather looked perfect around Bokuto’s arm. It was something he could never accomplish in any lifetime.

Terushima’s eyes brightened. “Of course!” He took Akaashi back to the kitchen and got him a new cup. He filled it up and handed it to the setter. “Bottoms up.” He tapped his own cup against Akaashi’s before downing it.

Akaashi stared at that same liquid. With another inhale, he copied Terushima, cringing at the taste. Without another word, Akaashi filled up his cup once again. _I need to forget. I don’t want to see them like that._

He continued to chug the alcohol, as he hadn’t quite felt the effects yet.

“Woah, woah. Slow your roll, Akaashi. This is your first time seriously drinking.” Terushima seemed to have gained an ounce of responsibility as he took the cup from Akaashi’s thin fingers. “You can’t drink too much or-” Terushima stopped as he saw the look on the setter’s face. It was full of sorrow and pain. “Yo, dude, are you alright?” He tilted his head at Akaashi, his eyebrows furrowing.

Without a thought, Akaashi pressed his lips to Terushima’s. He wanted to forget, he _needed_ to forget. And if making out with a playboy was it? So be it. 

Terushima gladly obliged and pulled Akaashi closer. There was little space left between the two. With a chuckle, Terushima pulled Akaashi out of the kitchen and into a corner. The music boomed in Akaashi’s ear, drowning out the sounds of the mistake he was committing. 

He could feel the blond’s cold hands begin to trail underneath the hem of his shirt. In a normal situation, he would’ve pushed Terushima away and cursed him out, but then again, this wasn’t a normal situation.

Bokuto had gotten up from the couch, promising Heather he’d bring back drinks for them. On his way to the kitchen he got the feeling to turn his head to the side, so he did.

And then, he saw them.


End file.
